Passion..

What is passion!?

I wonder…

What… does it actually ..mean… to be ..passionate?

To be permeated..

About.. something..

Impenetrated..

Percolated..

By.. something..

To be completely consumed..

Overwhelmed..

To live ..and breath.. ..something..

Something, ..that makes one feel ..alive..

Drives one..

One.. actually.. lives for..

…

What does it mean.. to have ..something.. that can actually move one ..emotionally, ..so deeply, ..so ..profound ..

That one can not imagine ..a life without..

…

I tried to understand it..

Tried.. to comprehend it..

By looking it up in the dictionary..

🤦‍♂️

And although I rationally understand the definition..

I can not seem.. to fully grasp.. its content…

Its core..

Its ..soul.. ..,I guess..

I do not feel it..

Whatever it is..

Whatever ..feeling it.. is..

And I wonder..

Why!??..

…

Why.. am ‘I’, ..not able ..to understand.. , to comprehend.. , to fully grasp.. the concept of ‘passion’.

The notion ..of being passionate..

About something.. by something..

To feel… ..something.. in your veins.. that makes you tingle.. that lights up your eyes..

…

‘I’ like cycling.. I guess..

Watching it.. doing it..

Like to draw.. paint..

Run.. if possible.. sometimes..

Enjoy reading.. and writing..

Poetry.. words..

Walking.. and long hikes..

Being alone..

Being together.. sometimes.. I think..

Mathematics.. sciences.. history..

Languages, cultures, architecture, ..

Nature…

All of nature..

Art..

…

I like to learn.. I guess..

But it doesn’t consume me..

It does not move me..

In no way.. non of it .. so profoundly effects me.. so that I wouldn’t be able to function..

Or survive..

Without it..

…

I like them.. deep down.. I suppose..

But..

They don’t move me.. effect me..

Not in the way that I guess they should..

Or would.. in that “sense of ‘passion‘”..

And of course, I know, non of it is actually essential.. not in terms of survival.. per se..

But..

I guess, that being passionate about something.. shouldn’t leave such a void.. such.. numbness.. about it..

Such.. total indifference..

Or apathy..

It should not feel so ..empty..

Or.. frightening..

Threatening..

Life threatening..

I guess..

…

And again, I wonder why..

Why am ‘I’ ..so terrifyingly numb.. about everything..

And why do I fear.. everything.. that might lead to such.. feeling..

To.. emotions.. , I guess..

My.. emotions..

Me!?..

And thus to a possibility.. of… passion..

Of being passionate.. about something…

…

I dissociate..

Constantly..

As a means to survive..

As a means to not feel, try to not feel, numb out all emotions..

It is learned.. integrated.. behavior..

It is trauma..

And an organisms respons to those trauma..

It has become a survivalmechanism..

A tool..

To stay alive..

To “live” ..

Automated..

Conditioned..

…

I am conditioned.. to disconnect myself.. from everything..

Myself.. my divided self.. included..

I am conditioned to detach myself.. from any emotion.. and fear anything, or anyone, myself included, that could lead to any emotional attachment..

Emotions.. my emotions.. …me?

I fear… and detach myself… from me!..

And trauma.. trauma’s ..inflicted upon me.. inflicted upon us.. have lead to that emotional detachment.. from everything.. as a means to survive.. in that hostile environment..

Where me.. the whole of me.. apparently.. had no right.. to be..

And sadly.. the only way that I can relate to any kind of passion.. to any kind of notion of the concept.. is in the way that I.. hate myself..

All else, everything else that I like, or might like or whatever.. seems to be off limits..

…

The things I like..

Or guess I like..

Trigger me..

Into self hatred ..

Into avoidance..

Self punishment..

And ultimately.. dissociation..

And all those things that I like, or ever liked, seem to be eradicated..

As if all of the seeds that had any potential to grow… into a like… into an emotion.. into a passion.. or even into a self.. were spooned out..

Leaving a void emptiness ..

A strange.. otiosity..

As infantile futile desires..

A longing.. longings..

Far, far away..

…

But I wonder..

Is it really?..

So far, far away..

Are all those seeds.. really spooned out?..

Gone?..

Lost?..